I’ve always been somewhat of a chameleon. Now what do I mean by that? For pretty much as long as I can remember I would go through phases where I would discover something new, become almost obsessed with it, and end up virtually leaving everything else I was interested in before completely behind. This interest would run its course (this could last anywhere from literally a few minutes to a month or so) until I inevitably lost interest, either getting distracted by some other new, shiny thing or just getting bored and losing ethusiasm.
For a while this frustrated me; putting time, effort, and money into something I thought I really cared about only to wake up one morning and be completely neutral to it, even in some cases not wanting to think about it at all because it felt like I’d ‘failed’ or given up. Eventually I learnt to deal with it though. It wasn’t ideal but I just let my interests take me wherever they wanted to go and tried not to get too carried away with each new phase that came along.
That was until my “Jpop boy group phase” happened. I had been into male idol groups for such a long time that I was actually beginning to relax and think “okay, maybe writing this blog is something I can actually do long-term”. I didn’t know where this blog would end up or if anything would even come of it at all but I knew that writing about male idol groups was something I really enjoyed doing and was the only thing about me that had felt consistent for a long time.
But, inevitably, it just...stopped. And it hit me harder than any of my other passing interests had done in a long while. I know it’s normal to have multiple interests. I know it’s normal to get excited about something new but eventually end up calming down after a time. I know it’s normal to lose your motivation sometimes but for me it’s always been 100% right down to 0%. It’s not just moving on from old interests and hobbies, it’s feeling empty and not knowing who I am anymore. Because for me, what I’m interested in and how I fit into certain groups has always been completely synonymous with my personal identity. I’m still learning to see myself as more than just what I like and the people I associate with it.
And that’s just it. One of the underlying reasons for these changes has always been my desire to fit in. To belong somewhere. When I went through my cringey emo phase when I was 11 it was because I wanted to be one of the “cool emo kids”. When I first got into anime it was because I wanted to make friends who were nerdy. That isn’t to say I was writing this blog just to get “popular” - I really did love it and want to share the talents of Jpop boy groups with you all - but I think deep down I was hoping that people would take notice of me and I would finally find a “group” that I belonged with.
So what happens now? This blog will be on hold for the time being but who knows? My interests have been known to go back on themselves sometimes so maybe I’ll be back. Maybe I’ll decide to start another blog instead that doesn’t have so much of a particular theme. I have no idea.
This post ended up getting pretty personal so I may end up deleting it at some point. But if you read the whole thing thank you and thanks for sticking with me until now. Bye for now!